This week’s show starts with a bit of Psychic Q&A, a message our sponsors at Shit-Co — Need a hamper? Go to Shit-Co! — followed by Jolly Astrology for the week starting Mon 29 August 2016.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
May you live in interesting times, no, it’s not some ancient Chinese proverb or curse! Oddly enough, it’s about as Chinese as that spring roll you’re eating! Oh yeah, and steer clear of wild buffalo this week, and nearly any musical instrument!
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Regarding that book you just read; don’t worry, it’s just a story! Like a bush could ever talk…hmm, George did though…I’ll get back to you! Stay vigilant!
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will make new friends this week when you respond to the question, “one lump or two?” with “sugar, ahhh, honey, honey”; they will become your friends, not your candygirl, okay!
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
If you’re an expert builder or painter, you get to be a master builder, or master painter…though you’re not like most…you can’t help but play devil’s advocate, time and time again! Maybe you’re a Master Baiter and didn’t know it! Keep up the great work…you wanker!
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Things are getting more and more exciting for you, now that you figured out how to unmute the TV, and change channels…this week you’ll discover youtube…bang!
Virgo (August 22 – September 22)
I am sensing love for you this week Virgs…I can call you Virgs right? I mean, I know that’s not your name, but, what? What was that?!? Sorry? You know what, okay…fine…yep, be like that, this week that love is going to be for freaking hamburgers and gaining 20 pounds! Sheesh! Some people.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
While this might not sound like much, I think you’ll be quietly happy about what I see in the stars for you this week…you’re going to win a few games of chess, against your 2 year old. Go you hey!
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Corn chips, salsa, cheese, beers, pizza, loneliness, regret, rinse, repeat. Don’t like it? Well hey, treat your fellow North Koreans better, and I might see better things in the stars for you! Yes! That’s how it works with Jolly Astrology! Okay then, go to another astrologer. No…I don’t think you’ll find better. Good luck with that!
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You’ll have a song stuck in your head this week, not the whole song, just a few lines, cause you don’t know all the words to this song, and you don’t really like it THAT much; it will be on repeat. It might be the chorus, or just a part of it, for example, “if I could turn back time, if I could find a way, I’d take back those things that I told you and…if I could turn back time”…and Scorpio thinks it’s a bad week.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Your investments will pay off this week…BIG TIME! You have been investing riiiight?
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
The stars are showing you and horsies this week. Wait. No. My Little Ponies. Does that mean it’s a good week, or bad week? I dunno, I’m just psychic!
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You normally get the short end of the stick. This week is no different, except, you’ll get the love that Virgs is so stubbornly missing out on!
You Win! I Rock!