Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will be blunt this week, like a shit knife! In fact, that’s it! This week you find that you are a shit knife! Hahaha, you shitty knife!
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
This week your insatiable love of Bananas will lead you down a slippery slope, well actually, most surfaces will be slippery! To be sure, I wouldn’t Mario Kart for at least the next week or so.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Well, well, well…
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will die a horrible death this week…too vague? Okay, you will be eaten by 1000 tiny crabs…or you might just be very itchy for a week or so…I’m not so good at this horoscope shit.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Did someone say “way to go tiger”? Didn’t think so…that’s cause you’re a Lion dipshit! Go learn who you are before you try more advanced things!
Virgo (August 22 – September 22)
Speaking of advanced things, you are having troubles in all aspects of your life, things are up in the air…I suggest that you change your approach, this advice is especially handy if you happen to be a pilot as well.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
This week I thought I would Pad this out with another Tampon Joke, but I think I will just wing it.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
I see love for you this week. I mean, I think it’s love…specifically, I see red but intuitively I thought love but it could be blood…it could be.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Go finger a bun this week…you’ll both enjoy it…I swear! Don’t forget though, that no means no!
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
This week you’ll ask yourself a question you haven’t asked in ages, and that is, “Why so horny?”.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
This week you will realise, you are a small asian woman in Danang, it will all make sense.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will learn this week that you are the ruinator, while you will be mildly impressed by the title, it will eventually get to you that no-one likes you…but still…RUIN-ATOR!!!!!!
You Win! I Rock!