Aries (March 21 – April 19)
This week you will begin to see the point in the Lyric, “We don’t need no education” Then you will realise you do, because that’s poor English!
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
May the forth be with you, I know I’m late…but so are you this month! Is that congratulations or commiserations huh?
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
I fear the worst for you this week! You…Elves…and a whole lotta love…but only one of you will be receiving said love. Buckle up, this week is gonna get real humpy…I mean bumpy!
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Can you please go clean your room? Sheesh! You invite me in to your life once a week and look at that mess! This week I predict you will just up and pay for a cleaner.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You’re going to have one hot week this week! Better get some sunscreen…that’s not sunscreen!
Virgo (August 22 – September 22)
This week you will find out that names are very important! In fact, deep down you know that you are a lot like Janet Jackson…it might be because of your voice or because you flashed someone at a football field…yeah, only you will know that one! Well, you and the person you flashed!
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You again! Yep, you’re still a Pad! A Paddy McPadPad…wait a sec…you Irish? No? Okay then, this week you will become Irish and maybe even get the luck of the Irish…or scurvy.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Ever considered getting into the entertainment industry? I thought so, and with that, this week you will be Putin on the Ritz.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
From the moment I laid eyes on you I realised I was psychic! Because you’re not even here and we’ve never met but don’t worry; this week you’ll find out I’m no stalker…and that you’re almost out of butter.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
You ever flown a clown? Don’t, it’s awkward and oh, wait, this week…ummm…you will become classier than you’ve ever been before…yeah, not going to be easy, but you can do it! I think.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Get out of my dreams, get into my car! Yeah, so, this week doesn’t end well for you…that’s right, you’ll have this song stuck in your head for ages!
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You know how I was hard on you for all these years? Yeah, it’s cause I don’t like you very much…coming up with 12 new star signs each week is tough you know! Whatever, this week you will get a pimple in an odd place…enjoy the week ahead!
You Win! I Rock!