Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Things are looking up for you this week, but that’s cause you’re lying in a gutter after a bender to end all benders.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will need to stop being so flippant this week, I don’t know why cause generally being flippant is fun but the stars talk to me and say this week just ease off. Yes! The STARS talk to me!
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Roly poly guacamole…I have no idea what that means but apparently you’ll know what I’m talking about. Weirdo!
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
This just in, you’re fucked but loveable.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will win…one million…litas…or is it litres? Eh, it’s one million…that’s got to be good right?
Virgo (August 22 – September 22)
This week you will transmute into an accordion or a flamenco guitar…pretty fucked up right?
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You’re love of spherical objects this week will lead you to a new career!
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
The darkness is coming and things are getting a bit punchy…eh? Run with it?
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
This week the lights are on but nobody’s home…well apart from that boring guy in your head but he’s annoying, don’t listen to him!
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
You will begin to understand this week why you no longer eat cactus…wait…you want me to explain it all out for you? Wow…in that case your problems go far deeper man!
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
We may be in the age of Aquarius but fuck you man…fuck you and the horse you rode in on!
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
This week you will be hit by a drunk driving accordion accompanied by a flamenco guitar…in the desert…at night…on a Wednesday.
You Win! I Rock!