This week’s show starts with a bit of Psychic Q&A, a message our sponsors Psychic Balls — yep, those telepathic testicles — followed by Jolly Astrology for the week starting Mon 05 September 2016.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You know how they say, when one door closes, another one opens? Well. This week, you’re going to become the cosmic usher that opens and closes all those doors.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Some may say you blow hot and cold, but this week will be your chance to tell them that if something is cold, your warm breath heats it up slightly, but if something is hot, then your breath helps dissipate the heat…sheesh! Maybe you should also sigh and finish with, “it’s basic physics!”…you’re welcome!
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
This week comes with some good news, as Voltaire once said, “To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered.” The good news is that you’re already half-way there! Just work on your manners and the world is your oyster!
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You’ve heard the saying “Children should be seen and not heard”, but…gaff tape…really?!? That’s a bit much!
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Don’t wash your dirty linen in public! Those brown stains leave very little to the imagination!
Virgo (August 22 – September 22)
This week you will need a hand moving house…well, as they say, Faith will move mountains…then she’ll help you move! Nice girl, that Faith.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
If the mountain won’t come to Mohammed, then Mohammed must go to the mountain…or maybe Mohammed should give Faith a call, she’s great and has an amazing special this month!
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will misquote a couple of sayings this week, “If you can’t stand the peanuts get out of the heat!”, and “If you pay monkeys, you get kitchen!”
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Your business is doing well, oh yeah, you have a business; one lesson you have learned so far is this: It is better to give than to receive…especially when it comes to bills!
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
This week you will discover that life is NOT just a bowl of cherries. In fact, the more you ponder this, the more you’ll realise you’ve held some really bizarre beliefs all these years!
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
You will start a new band called The Prevention, because you believe that The Prevention is better than The Cure!
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You are an horrendous surgeon! Okay, so your bedside manner is rather good, but you believe the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach…maybe you should study anatomy again!
You Win! I Rock!